Reframe Rejection: Three Evidence-Based Theories To Help You Progress In Life

By Mitch McKee

Key Take-aways

1.        Abundance Mindset: There are always more dates and/or connections out there, confide in the literature and put that shame in rejection to bed.

2.        Attachment Theory: Work towards secure attachment by identifying your core values, putting down distractions, and engaging in meaningful interests. Recognize and let go of anxious tendencies, focusing instead on refining your inner self.

3.        Batman Effect: Take the most cool and confident characters you love and emulate all their best qualities in real time.

There are roughly three billion grown women on this planet, and by pure odds, at least half of them may not find you attractive. The reasons are many, and always valid, but the main thing to remember is that it should be this way.

People’s attraction toward one another works like favourite colours. There’s some you like, some you don’t, and one is your favourite. You can’t be everyone’s favourite colour, but by the same odds, you’ll be many other people’s favourite.

As fun as colours are, it doesn’t change the fact that around half of the people you connect with feels pointlessly painful, at least, initially. While painful, it reminds you there are literally millions upon millions of people you have a chance to connect with. They didn’t like your colour, their loss.

Here are three effective research-backed theories used in Psychology and Counselling to consider when you’re out there, feeling those growing pains you’ll learn to love.

Abundance Mindset

I’ve had times in my life where I would get rejected many times in a row – and I have zero shame in this. After all, it was after quitting dating apps, working on both my inner (psychological/personal) game and my outer (surrounding/social) game that I started finding more social success. Successful dates, job interviews and raise-seeking increased around the same time, thanks to the abundance mindset.

It is a mindful exercise to remember as often as you believe that you need that person or that job, or whatever it is you desire, they can reject you. They can all reject you, and it doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough, it just means you just weren’t their favourite colour. Abundance mindset is key to reframing rejection, as it is the understanding that there will inevitably be someone or something that will see you as their favourite colour.

Just keep dating, the more people you go after, the more you will be able to date. The more dates you go on, the better you will become at it, and the greater the chance you will have in selecting quality mates.

Success in dating will transfer to success in job interviews and making friends – all these skills are transferrable in your journey to greater social success. When you get rejected, and you inevitably will, you will remember there will be more dates, or jobs out there, and it is this understanding of abundance that will keep a spring in your step.

Attachment Theory

The three common attachment styles are secure, anxious and avoidant. To simplify this, understanding the secure attachment style is key to making your colour shine. People can sway between these styles many times throughout their lives. If you are anxiously attached to people – a.k.a clingy or needy – or if you are avoidant towards relationships – a.k.a ghosting or typically cancel plans – know all types can work towards secure attachment. In effect, this will make your already appealing colour more vivid.

For me, I can remember times in my life where I was anxiously attached to relationships, and others where I was secure in them. Realising when I was behaving anxiously was key to moving back towards security. When I was anxious, I would spend more time nervously awaiting text replies and less time on my personal activities and self-care. Now I’m secure again, I spend far less time worrying if or when that someone will reply, and far more time working on me.

Similar to abundance mindset, the desired secure attachment style involves dating as many people as you can, which inherently involves being rejected by people you like. While this can sting, the sooner you move onto your next potential connection, the better. Soon you will remember what being secure in relationships feels like, or discover the strength of it for the first time. The more this lifestyle is lived, the more you will attract and keep the kind of connections you’re after.

The Batman Effect

Going out into the real world to get a date can feel daunting, which is why creating a persona to do this with makes a lot of sense. Some might think that creating an alter-ego to lean into is the wrong idea – but as the literature outlines – it is not.

What you’re really doing is inventing the person you want to become, and with enough time spent in this persona, you and this alter ego will merge into one. In other words – you faked it til’ you made it.

Just like David Bowie’s many stage presences including Ziggy Stardust, Eminem’s Slim Shady, Bob Dylan’s white make-up phase, Beyonce’s Sasha Fierce or Damon Albarn’s 2-D, you can also create the person you will become.

Create a mantra or two along with this emerging character of yours. When you want to maintain or give an edge to your confidence, you could mantra ‘confident, playful, appealing’, or ‘cool, calm and competent in your head to reinforce confidence. Personally, when I’m really down I’ll mantra, ‘I’m getting better.’

Works a charm.